Sadomasoquista

I recently came to the realization that part of my purpose on this earth is to help people relax. This manifests for me in a myriad of ways: from the tone of my voice, my wellness study, practice and teachings, to the general state of mind that I prefer and to which others have been attracted. It manifests in my career as an Art Advocate and helping people to enjoy the beauty of the creative Spirit and the aesthetics of 'the life surrounding',

“hoping to lay aside every weight and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.”-Hebrews 12:1

Indeed this is my intention if not also my goal.

     I recently heard a quote that stated “Relaxation is the awareness of tension”. Ah ha! Yes! In order to relax its necessary to do a scan of sorts, to dig deeply into each part of your body and mind to figure out what is holding on so very tightly, and why, and to figure out what needs to happen in order to release it. This can be seen from the smallest cells to the largest muscles inside of our skin ( our brain muscle-duh!). Our ability or inability to perform this task manifests in actions outside of our bodies. From pacing back and forth, to that twitch in your eyeball that wont go away, to heavy chested breathing to over eating; from binge sexing to binge seclusion, these are all manifestations of what is happening inside of us – when the flow of energy through our bodies becomes stagnant, held up, stuck, stressed, unresolved.

So here I am now, in one of the most beautiful locales I could ever even dream of, in relative seclusion, with a couple of great books and minimal internet...and I'm stressing out! I'm pacing, I feel like I'm over eating, but maybe I'm not eating enough...I'm trying to do yoga every day but today..well you know...i just couldn't. I only work 5 hours a day and I crave to work 10! What the heck is my problem?

Ha! I bet you thought the next paragraph was going to be a complicated yet succinct “well, this is why...”; an answer to why we love to punish ourselves so much...joke's on you! I certainly DO NOT have the answer to this one (as I waste 25 minutes looking up a quote and get distracted from doing what I set out to do by instagram and FB and every food item on the nearby table and the cats meowing outside and my music skipping etc etc etc)

I know that when I sit, and relax, (AND BREATHE!) the Spirit can flow through me to guide my interactions and help me set my intentions to be aligned, so why cant I just do that?

Why cant we just do this?

Its because we love to punish ourselves more than we love to love ourselves. I hate working 60hr weeks, but I must love it! I hate not saying what I want/mean to say, but apparently I love it because I keep doing it, eh. I hate feeling so in need of things outside of my own Self, but apparently I also love that too.

Yesterday, I half complained to my friend back home that here in Mallorca, I only work 5 hours per day. He replied “well deserved!” WELL DESERVED?!?! I got pissed! (also my wifi cut out which was further enraging) I thought, Fuck him! How dare he? How does he know what I deserve? Inside, it felt like he might as well have said that I deserved to have my fingernails plucked out. Well deserved!?! Apparently, he doesn't know that its killing me inside to not be crazy busy! He has no idea how its tearing me apart having to not fill my time! Its one of the hardest things I've ever forced upon myself. How does he know what I deserve?! BUT,

Why don't I know what I deserve?

SO here is my formal apology for cursing you from here to Timbuktu, friend. I didn't mean it at all. But you raised the question I really was not ready to ask. Why don't I know what I deserve? Why do I prefer punishment to relishment.

Why cant I remember the goal? : To practice what I preach. Like I said, I haven't always known my purpose but only recently was I able to put it into words and only in part, for sure. Much of the reason why I am here now at the CCA Andratx, in this self imposed prison- I mean sanctuary- is because of Create Karma. My decision to take that leadership workshop last year surprisingly coincided with an ethos I had recently decided to adopt which was to not just talk the talk but walk the walk. To practice what I preach, to know more about what I speak. The Create Karma program helped me to do exactly that. It helped me to connect the dots which had been floating around my head concerning self-care, self love, Magik and wellness practice and a meaningful career. It was exactly what Id asked for and it was totally accessible wherein it might not have been if Id been a slightly different life position. And here we are again, face to face with an outcome that Id asked for. An opportunity to study under another Queen in her own right. An opportunity for me to practice what I preach, and to learn and to know so much more of what I speak AND to have time to let it sink in, and reflect on it, let the energetic information flow through an unclogged, unstuck, unstressed, resolved me. This is what I deserve. This is what we all deserve and I feel so ultimately blessed to have this opportunity.

I spoke the possibility into existence and it manifested in my hands. And as the cycle continues, I vow to take what I have learned and will continue to learn, and offer it to those I love, to my community near and far. I love you all.

 

Lesson #599

Your soul has asked to be in this body

Ask for what you want

Stop punishing yourself for the life you've asked for!

If you dont like what you have been given, its ok to ask for something different!

In silence, you will be heard.

 

(is that a haiku? No? Oh well..good thing im not a poet!)